Unarmed and Dangerous

In the last week or so I’ve somehow morphed from my regular self into an 80-year-old woman who carries a cane and hits people who are rude.  It is unclear if this is ongoing PMS or because there was a full moon last week or if I have just become stark raving mad.

I already told you about my airport pet peeve but what I didn’t tell you was that I gave a 40-year-old lady who was carrying on some serious Patagonia luggage (the kind of packs which look so hardcore that they make me think you have been camping in Patagonia and had to carry out your own dirty toilet tissue because you believe in leaving no trace behind) an evil look for having her two back packs on two separate seats. And after the stare down and I asked if anyone was sitting in those seats and made her move her damn backpack.  That backpack had probably just come from hiking Torres del Paine. It didn’t need the comfort of the seat.  What I didn’t do was kick her in the shins. But I did think about it.

Then yesterday, I was waiting for a parking spot at Trader Joe’s (which btw, I hope we don’t move somewhere without a Trader Joe’s. That would make me very sad. Where else would I get clementines this early in the season?) with my blinker on waiting for a lady with an empty shopping cart to pass in front of me.  She then proceeded to put her empty shopping cart in the middle of the space I was waiting for and then strolled back to her car.  The shopping cart rack was two spaces over. I was infuriated. Beyond what it is normal, which is why I believe I’ve become a curmudgeonly old lady.  So I opened my window, looked over her and in a tone of voice that was completely mild but contained all the wrath I could muster, I told her that she was an extremely rude person. She looked shocked and then turned to look back at her cart and then went on to her car.

I really hate to admit this, but I don’t even feel bad. Not one little bit.  I was rude to a complete stranger (who will probably be the person who interviews me for my next job), Emily Post certainly would not approve and a day later all I can think is she was rude. She saw me waiting for that spot. There weren’t any other spots. If I had a cane I might have hit her car. But that might constitute battery to her property and with all my recent police issues I really don’t need to be arrested so I probably wouldn’t have done that.

But I would have thought about it.

In my defense I had just come from representing a friend in traffic court.  Traffic court in Gastonia County would be put anyone in a foul mood.

Ridiculous Crap from Sky Mall

Can I just say I hate airports. People are unbelievably inconsiderate. For example I hate (HATE) when there is no seating and people have their briefcases and bags on the seat next to them. Bags can sit on the floor. My ass doesn’t think it should have to sit on the floor.  I also find that I am physically incapable of not showering after a flight. Planes are inherently dirty in my opinion.

I’m also not the best flier. It’s not that I don’t like flying but being cooped up for several hours in one location means I go stir crazy. I usually finish whatever book I’m reading in record time and still have several hours to kill.  My flight to Houston was one of those flights. I did the cross word puzzle and the three star Soduku and that killed oh, half an hour and then I was bored again. So I pulled out the Skymall Magazine. There is some stupid crap in that magazine.

First up is the marshmallow bazooka. When are you ever going to need to shoot marshmallows 40 feet?  Never, because it won’t hurt. If I’m going to buy something with bazooka in the name it better have a comic in the wrapper for me to read or it better cause damage and harm to the things I’m aiming at. This does neither. Fail.

Next, the Solafeet Foot Tanner. For people who get sock tans. It is $229! The ad says you can go from the golf course to the club house with confidence. No unsightly white lines or people gawking at your feet.  Who gawks at feet?  This is stupid and will probably make your feet look like the shade of orange that Joe Biden’s face is currently sporting.

A stainless steel wallet. I don’t even understand the point of this.

And these are just ridiculous. Who wants their neighbors to know they support the Yankees and that they think the tree things from the Lord of the Rings are cool? No one, that’s who.

And lastly, if you want to kill the mood and make sure your spouse never wants to sleep with you again, wear these.  Also going to the bathroom in the  middle of the night would be a complete disaster. Imagine how chilly you would be.

This Week

This week I saw the Homechicken get married and dance like there was no tomorrow. In ten years of knowing him I had no idea he liked to dance. You learn something new every day. Congrats, Homechicken and Aamrapali! Enjoy Thailand.  It was nice to hang out with friends in Austin as well. Husband and I miss that city.  We hit up Rudy’s, EZs (for milkshakes), Einsteins, Trudy’s, The COOP and Loop 360, which is Husband’s favorite drive. And we got to meet the lovely Ashley/Ashleigh from Taiwan.

I met with my old boss. It went really well. He has a potential new client for me. I just sent him my marketing materials to pass along to new company. He also had no idea that Lucius passive aggressively fired me. That made for some fun discussions as I believe Lucius’ biggest weakness is his inability to make a decision and old boss believes it is his inability to multi-task.  Both are terrible if you are going to be the general counsel to a Fortune 500 company.

I haven’t been blogging because I’ve been so busy hanging out with my family. It had been a lot of fun and hopefully it won’t be ten months before I see them again. It probably won’t since the big news of the last month has been that Husband’s company is shutting down. Yup, totally gone and not even existing as an entity anymore. Very sad. But the right decision in this economy. He is now looking for a job, which stresses him out a bit but it will all work out. Probably in 2010 since 2009 continues to mess with our lives in sick and twisted ways. More on that later.

I’m back in NC tonight, which means I have to do my own cooking and nobody will be spoiling me silly. Sad.

Too Dumb

If you were wondering why eleven year olds shouldn’t have kids, here is the reason:

I used to play with my toys but now she is my new toy. She is so beautiful, I love her. Violeta is the child and I must grow up. I am not going back to school – I am a mother now.

They are too young and too dumb. Her boyfriend is 19.  I really hope my kids master the art of self-pleasure and have a fertile imagination because that has to be preferable over my junior high aged kid coming home and telling me that they got a 92 on their science test and oh by the way I’m pregnant.

Houston

I’m in Houston. It is 6:30 and I can’t sleep.  I’ve already run (with new shoes I bought yesterday, woo hoo) and I have nothing to do until 9. Things I’ve realized since being home?  Dinner tastes a million times better when someone else makes it.  Though perhaps that is because my mom is a million times better cook than I am. Speaking of my mom, I’ve lost 6-7 lbs since July (that colonoscopy really kick started things) and my mom totally did not notice. Her comment to me was, “you weren’t fat before.”  The point isn’t that I was fat before the point is that I lost weight and am way more excited about it than I should be. So you should be too.  I’m waiting to see my grandmother, she will notice the weight loss and make complaints about young people today and it will be awesome.

Drivers in Houston are crazy. I used to be one of them and now all that aggression and car honking is just annoying. I mean does it really matter if you get to your destination 30 seconds later than you had hoped? Yes, yes it does, in Houston at least. But I have lunch with a former co-worker today and she suggested Vietnamese and I almost cried because I haven’t had Vietnamese food since I was in NYC in 2008.  The driving sucks in Houston but the food can’t be beat.

I’m also meeting with my old boss today. It always makes me nervous. This is the man who hired me sight unseen in law school (based on a recommendation), gave me a job post law school and helped me start my business. I never feel like I’m living up to the potential he has always seen in me. For some reason, it is important to me that he is never disappointed in what I do work wise.  Fortunately, I have a killer outfit picked out and I look awesome in a business suit, despite not having worn one in probably a year.  It did mean an extra pair of shoes in the suitcase and given that I’m here for a wedding with those shoes on top of the ones I normally bring, I brought way too many shoes.

There have been complaints from a certain person in San Francisco ( I shall name this person Sunshine, because I find it amusing to give someone in a hardcore business a hippy dippy pseudonym.) that there hasn’t been anything substantive on the blog for a while. I would argue that there hasn’t been anything substantive since this blog started. Regardless, the semi regular blogs will return eventually, Sunshine.  I’ve hit a bit of a dry spell since Husband has put a gag order on the subject of his work. Once it has lifted we will return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Run Random Run

When Random and I first met at the tender age of 16 our idea of exercise was marching band practice for a couple of hours every day of the fall semester.  Sweating in the Texas sun worked for us.

In college to stem the freshman 15 we took this crazy kickboxing class and used Billy Blanks Tae Bo tapes. It worked and we both remained thin but we were pretty haphazard in our exercise routine.  In the last few years as 30 has creeped closer and closer our ideas for exercise have changed. We both run. Run! Back in high school running was for track team members, not people like us.  I don’t do the distance she does but we both get that exercise high and working out is a daily part of our lives.

In a few days Random Banker is going to be running the NYC marathon. She is an I-banker who frequently works until crazy hours of the morning, gets two hours of sleep (if she’s lucky) and then goes back to work.  She has been spending her scant free time over the last six months or so training for the marathon. A few weeks ago she ran 23 miles. Twenty-three! The only way I would run 23 miles is if I was being chased by the gigantic spiders in the Harry Potter books.  And even then I might just give up and let them eat me.

So if you have time, wish Random good luck and speedy legs for this weekend.

Texas Bound

Have no fear, I have not run out of random crap to write about, however since I’m going to see a bunch of you this coming weekend I’m saving all ‘Time happenings for in person.

Hi, everyone going to Homechicken’s wedding, Hannah and Kelly!

Differences

So I was talking to R and he said we should just take off for two weeks to Fiji. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

Two weeks in Fiji sounds really expensive.

We could go on a cruise.

If we are going to spend a lot of money what about Vietnam?

I don’t think it is a good time to go to Vietnam.

I knew you would try to get me to do something lame, like a cruise, so I looked it up. October through December is a great time to visit Vietnam.

I feel like if we go to Vietnam it won’t be that different than Thailand. Lots of temples etc. I would rather go to Italy or Greece. There’s more to see.

How is that different?  Crumbling ancient building after ancient building. Anyway, we just went on a beach vacation. Do you really want to go on another one?

I love the beach. I could go to the beach every vacation.

Husband and I have differing vacation ideas.

Red Lights

Do you think the chances are of getting stopped twice in two weeks on suspicion of drunk driving are pretty high?  Do you suppose that 2009 wanted to prove to me that it could still F with my life? Is it really possible to be stopped twice in two weeks when your last police experience was in 1997?

The answer to all these questions is Yes.

On Saturday night after watching Texas beat OU (in what can only be described as a painful game) and hanging out with some friends from out-of-town Husband and I headed home. It was 1:30am.  I’m sitting at a light waiting for the left turn signal to turn green. I wait three light cycles and it still doesn’t turn green.  I look over at Husband, look to make sure there are no cars coming in any direction (there aren’t) and I turn left.  The light was still red. It had been red for over 5 minutes at this point.

Thirty seconds later, flashing lights turn on behind me.  And in that moment every curse word available to me went through my head.  Because clearly I was going to get a ticket. I did something completely illegal.  I ran a red light.

So I stop and let me just take a moment to tell you both the cops that have stopped me in the last two weeks (one white, one black) have been extremely polite, well spoken and informative.  Nothing like the overweight abrasive cops that have stopped me in Texas.

I stop. I explain about the three light cycles and that I have not had anything to drink (which I hadn’t, because the cop from two weeks ago scared the crap out of me. I didn’t mention that though.) and he goes back to his car.  Five minutes later he comes back and tells me he appreciates my honesty and he is going to let me go. I then ask his opinion on what to do next time, he gives me answer and it’s done.

But holy crap, people. I got stopped. On the same damn road. On suspicion of drunk driving. Twice.

No News

Conversation with my Father in Law. So far Husband has been the only one getting these not so subtle hints. This is my first hand experience with them.

So I talked to all the people in India today. They want to know if there is any “news” from you guys.

News?

Well you have been married for four years and in India people have kids by now.  So they wanted to know if there was any “news”.

You can tell them they will be waiting a long time for “news.”

I realize that this is a cultural thing and Indian people, especially family, feel like they don’t have to work on the same field of social norms as other people but it is still frustrating.  Especially given that our family is privy to what is going on currently in our personal lives.  They of all people should know now would not be a good time.

The number of years you are married does not correlate to it being the right time for you to have kids.