Parsingtime

More Annoyed than Amused

Archive for July, 2009

Photographic Evidence of the Frown

Posted by parsingtime on July 31, 2009

Colonoscopy talk was clearly too heavy.

It is hard for me to believe I was ever this small or that I wore yellow but this photo has no relevance to this post.

Parsing Baby

Husband often tells me I need to smile more. What I’ve explained to him is that my natural face is actually a frown. You can’t change a lifetime of frowning into a smiley pollyanna face.  Please see Exhibits A-D below.

staring

You can actually see my eyebrows frowning.  Seriously, this has to be my natural expression because what baby has that much to frown about?

apple

I’m plotting the downfall of the plastic apple. I will show no mercy. I will hold you ransom for one hundred million dollars.  Insert Evil laugh.

witch

Don’t let the costume fool you. This is my normal expression. Also who did my makeup? A deranged monkey?   Don’t mess with me. I will poke your eye out with my broom. I already did it to myself so don’t think  Iwon’t do it.

Parsing

First day of school in Hong Kong and the frown is still there. This photo here is representative of every school photo taken since then.  I still look the same except aged 25 years and with lip gloss.

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Posted in Me | 4 Comments »

Clean Colon*

Posted by parsingtime on July 30, 2009

This stretches the boundaries of what is appropriate to share on your blog and for that I am sorry.

 A few months ago Random sent me an article about colons and how much crap people have sitting in their colons. It was actually much more scientific than that but basically it said that most people have 5-20lbs of crap in their system. This lead to a series of emails between us wondering exactly how much waste we had in our systems.

Well, it turns out my colon decided to act finicky and  last week I got a colonoscopy. I got to conduct my own little colon experiment.

So the day before a colonoscopy you can only drink liquids and yellow or clear jello/Popsicles. Liquids include chicken broth, coffee, tea, soda that is not orange/red, water.  Basically anything that is going to pass right through you. I am a fan of eating and sitting around all day thinking about the things I couldn’t eat was only going to make me hungry so I bought myself a giant sweet tea (I love sweet tea but never drink it because it is so terrible for you — except when you are having a colonoscopy, then it is sweet manna from heaven) and took myself to see Harry Potter (just okay to be honest with you but a good lead up to the final two movies).   When I finished the movie it was time to take laxatives — I should warn you that this story is going to go downhill from here so if someone flushing out their colon makes you want to throw up I would stop reading now — and drink Nultely.

Nultely is some prescription powered drug that comes in a two gallon jug that you mix with warm water.  It also comes with flavor packets, kind of like Tang or  powdered Gatorade that you add so that it goes down easier.  The Tang did not help.

You know how your mouth tastes when you get up the morning? Think about the absolutely worst morning breath you have ever experienced (perhaps after a bout of heavy drinking or food poisoning or something).  Have you thought about it? Yes?   Nultely tastes like orange scented warm morning breath saliva. 

I actually had to hold my nose to drink it and then take long sips of water with an entire lemon in it to keep it down. You have to drink  8-12 oz every 10-20 minutes. It causes you to empty your colon very rapidly.  VERY RAPIDLY.  It was extremely unpleasant. I however persevered (because I was required to medically) and drank that liquid diarrhea down in record time. Two hours later, dehydrated and feeling like hungry death warmed over I discovered that I’m not as full of sh*t as some people might have thought.

My very scientific experiment done with my crazy scales showed a 4lb weight loss. Four measly pounds. I’m sure that I’ve read in People or Us Weekly or some other reputable gossip magazine that celebrities get colonics before big events to look skinny.  I did not look any different.  And though there was none in my body, I felt like sh*t.  I was very disappointed because I thought I would be able to report to Random about the ridiculous amount of waste in our bodies. I will tell you that in real life I’m a pretty short/small-ish person so perhaps the guys with ginormous bellys have more waste because they have more space.  Also effecting the experiment was the fact that I ate pretty lightly the few days before the cleanse.

So in conclusion, getting a colonoscopy blows.  I don’t recommend this as a form of weight loss.  Third, weight comes back as soon as you start drinking/eating again. Finally, I now know that I will never be able to do one of those cleanse diets. I enjoy chewing my nutrients.

*I said I would post every day this week I didn’t promise it would be pretty.  Also my colon got a clean bill of health so I’m not dying or sick which is positive.

Posted in Me | 3 Comments »

Clenching

Posted by parsingtime on July 29, 2009

Several years ago when Husband and I first got married he would tease me for drooling while I slept.  Sometimes when we napped together there would be a little pool of spit on his shirt where I had laid my head.  Despite the fact that we regularly were swapping spit it seemed that spit anywhere else was not tolerated.

Husband gave me a drooling complex.  I no longer drool while I sleep.

Yesterday, when I was at the dentist, he told me that the clicking of my jaw when I open wide  is actually my jaw dislocating and that dislocating is caused when people clench their jaw/teeth while they sleep. 

I’m subconsciously preventing myself from drooling by clenching my jaw shut.  Husband often says I need to visit a sleep clinic for all my sleep related issues but I think Husband needs to visit a clinic on how to stop giving his wife complexes that cause her sleep issues.

I have now been given permission to drool while I sleep but somehow I don’t think it will be that easy to undo four years of jaw clenching.

Posted in Marriage | 1 Comment »

Quinoa

Posted by parsingtime on July 28, 2009

It’s Random Banker’s last birthday of her twenties. Wish her Happy Birthday and send her my boss is not going to make me work until 4am on my birthday thoughts.

My favorite thing to eat lately (in case you were wondering I’m still on the grapefruit and oatmeal kick — though now I add ground flax to my oatmeal which is a whole new level of goodness) is quinoa. I hate the way it is pronounced — KEEN-WAH — but as a food it is pretty good. 

I prefer it room temperature with lots of diced veggies (red/green pepper, raw zucchini, squash, cucumber, tomatoes), salt, pepper, chopped fresh basil/mint and balsamic vinaigrette but lots of people make it into pilaf and eat it as a side dish.

To me it’s like a pasta salad where the “pasta” is actually really good for you. The basil and mint combination together is excellent.  Try it.  Oh and it cooks just like rice on the stove with water and some salt. Easy peasy.

Here is a real recipe if you need one. Though to be honest most of the time I skip the diced onion/green pepper step because I’m lazy.  In the interest of full disclosure  Husband is not a big fan.  So it’s probably not for everyone.

Ingredients

Olive oil
1/2 medium yellow onion, finely chopped
1/2 bell pepper, finely chopped
1 garlic clove, minced
1 cups quinoa
2 cups water
1/4 teaspoon salt
Chopped fresh mint
Chopped fresh basil
Diced vegetables/beans (zucchini, carrots, corn, tomatoes, cucumber, red pepper, squash, broccoli, edamame, chickpeas — whatever you like)
Dressing – Salad dressing, oil/vinegar, balsamic vinegar etc – whatever you like
Salt and pepper 

Place quinoa in a large sieve and rinse it until the water runs clear. Heat 2 Tbsp of olive oil on medium high heat in a 3-4 quart pot. Add the onion, bell pepper and garlic and cook, stirring occasionally until the onions are translucent, but not browned. Add the drained quinoa and cook, stirring occasionally for a couple more minutes.

Add 2 cups of water and one teaspoon of salt. Bring to a boil and reduce the heat to low so that the quinoa and water are simmering while the pot is partially covered (enough to let out some steam). Simmer for 20 minutes, or until the quinoa is tender and the water has been absorbed. Remove from heat and put into a large serving bowl. Fluff up with a fork. 

Let cool until just slightly warm, add dressing/olive oil. Stir in chopped mint, basil and veggies. Add salt and pepper to taste. This makes a lot of quinoa but it is just like rice in terms of the water ratio.

Quinoa Salad Ingredients

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Serve chilled or at room temperature.

 Quinoa Salad

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have a recipe for Banana chocolate chip muffins (made with flax seed and yogurt because flax seed is my latest favorite health food) that Husband and his business partner eat up whenever I make them. They are relatively healthy for a baked good and taste really good. Recipe soon.

Posted in Recipes | 2 Comments »

DINKs

Posted by parsingtime on July 27, 2009

Husband and I have been taking about in kids lately in the way that most couples who’ve been married for a while talk about it.  Should we? Are we ready? Do we really want kids?  The answers to those questions change from day to day.  And then we started watching 16 & Pregnant.

I have no excuse for why we are watching inane MTV shows but we are.   I don’t know if the high schoolers out there are watching and thinking it is glamorous to get pregnant but it has scared the hell out of the almost 30 year olds watching it at my house. And by scared the hell out of I mean we watch in slack jawed horror and then say things like “we could retire in Buenos Aires tomrrow if we don’t have kids”  or “we would never have to wake up every two hours” or “holy crap look at those stretch marks” or “she looks like she is in a lot of pain, you know I have a low threshold for pain right?”

And we aren’t even 16. We have traveled extensively, we both have been to grad school and don’t have to live with our pregnant mother (seriously one of the girls was living with her pregnant mother who gave birth a few weeks before she did). We should be ready and yet I see people with babies, I really wonder if we’re cut out for it. Maybe we should have done the kids thing right after we got married when we didn’t know how much we loved the freedom of doing whatever we want.  It sounds horribly selfish.  That’s because we are.

I’m just not one of those people who has the instinctual and irresistible urge to procreate.  Random aside, to note that I don’t drink excessively or do drugs because I like having control of my faculties and body. The thought of having something growing inside my body for almost a year gives me the heebie jeebies. 

Though, I never thought that I’d become a real girl and that has happened so who knows.

Posted in Marriage | 1 Comment »

Mish Mash

Posted by parsingtime on July 26, 2009

Husband could not tell a noticeable difference in the old shoes versus the new shoes.  He is however happy that I am happy with the new shoes, despite the fact that they look exactly the same.  Only to a man do they look exactly the same. If we want to talk about exactly the same, let’s talk about white dress shirts.  Those look exactly the same to me.

I am going to admit something that is embarrassing. I’m not proud to admit this but nevertheless it must be said: I like Taylor Swift. I know. I KNOW.  But the radio stations here aren’t that great and they play a lot of “crossover” artists and she is one of them and I find that I don’t change the channel when her songs come on and I’m an inveterate channel changer.  Even worse than liking Taylor Swift? I recently discovered another song of the country genre that I liked and found out that the song was written by Taylor Swift.  Does this mean I can now recognize her style of writing?  So wrong.   Anyway, in my defense I will say she is impressive in that she is 19, writes her own music, plays instruments and hasn’t managed to pull a Britney Spears.  That isn’t really a defense for bad taste in music is it? Gah.  Hangs head in shame.

We went to our second Doggie Birthday Party this weekend. Before moving to Charlotte we had never been to a birthday party for a dog now we have been to two. People in Charlotte love their puppies.

A couple of weeks ago the Economist published a special series on Texas and how awesome it is. Click here  for a brief online summary. Though you can’t tell from this article the Economist came down firmly on the side that Texas is in and California is out.

Husband has complained about the lack of posting lately so this week I’m going to make the effort to post every day. Things you can look forward to over the next few days…well I don’t know but I’m sure it will be thrilling.

Posted in Random | 1 Comment »

Shoe Dilemma

Posted by parsingtime on July 16, 2009

Conversation with Random via Email today.

I bought this dress in March and have been looking for the perfect metallic sandals to go with them and couldn’t find them so I bought something that looked good but wasn’t exactly what I wanted. And then today I found THE shoes. The shoes that are the perfect mix of bronze and gold. But I just bought the other shoes three weeks ago and I can’t really justify buying another pair. I will say that the new shoes are on sale for $19 and the old shoes were $16.

You should buy them!  Think about it this way – before you found either pair of sandals, if you had found a really great pair of metallic sandals and they had cost $35, would you have bought them?  My guess would be yes – you could find a way to rationalize that purchase.  Well, that’s all you’re doing now.  Might as well!  I may go in for a pair myself – if I can get out of the office long enough on the weekend to do it!

You are totally right. I would have spent $35 for the perfect shoes.

Having a friend to rationalize any guilt you might feel over a shoe purchase is one of the many reasons people should have a best friend.  I called and put my shoes on hold.  It is hilarious to me that we can trade six emails over the topic of shoes given that in high school there is no way that would have ever happened. We finally became girls. It only took a decade. Of course we wouldn’t have discussed quarterly earnings in high school either.

We’ve come a long way.

Posted in Conversations | 3 Comments »

Mutual Fund v. Vampires

Posted by parsingtime on July 16, 2009

Last night while laying in bed I looked over at Husband and he was reading something with lots of numbers and graphs.  Turns out it was a mutual fund quarterly report. That’s what he chose of his own free will to read before bed.

I, on the other hand, was reading a trashy novel (a book from which the HBO True Blood series is based on because Vampires are in and Twilight is so not for me) that Husband would not read unless someone offered him a million dollars to do so.

If anything represents how vastly different our interests are it is our choice of reading material.

I should have been reading the mutual fund report. I’m sure that would have put me to sleep faster.

Posted in Marriage | 3 Comments »

Not Embarrassed

Posted by parsingtime on July 9, 2009

I like Harry Potter and I’m not terribly embarrassed by the fact that I enjoy books made for the Tween set.   Husband does not like Harry Potter so when the last movie came out I went and saw it in a cineplex in India by myself. I ate my chaat, caramel popcorn and enjoyed the movie, especially after I figured out that I hadn’t inadvertently gone in to the dubbed in Hindi movie.

I went out to dinner with a bunch of girls last night and since I know Husband doesn’t want to go see the movie with me (he will go see the movie with me because he is nice like that) I asked if anyone at dinner liked Harry Potter. I was met with dead silence. 

And then one of the girls asked if I was embarrassed for having asked if anyone liked it, since clearly no one did.  I said no and then my friend jumped in and said in a Boston accent that, “you guys may not know this but Parsing is wicked smart.”  The wicked smart part was actually the only part in a Boston accent.  Poor girl felt she had to defend my intelligence based on my love of Harry Potter.

Why is it if I wanted to I could find ten girls to go see He Just Not that Into You or The Proposal  and not one for HP?

It makes me miss Random who is always up for a traipse around New Delhi to find the last book in the series on the day of its worldwide release.

Posted in What the...? | 4 Comments »

Good Golly

Posted by parsingtime on July 3, 2009

Husband, look over there. Right behind me. Is that guy in the gray shirt with all the jewelry famous?

Who?

That guy back there. No, don’t stare. I think he is someone famous. I just can’t place him.

He isn’t famous.

He is famous.  No normal person wears that much jewelry.

Maybe it is Stevie Wonder?

<Stares> Uh, I think we would recognize Stevie Wonder.

Oh, yeah. I suppose so.

So I think the guy we saw at the airport was Little Richard. Actually Husband figured it out and he doesn’t recognize “celebrities” so it is extra impressive. Actually we were at dinner once and he recognized the CEO of P&G.  That would never happen to me.

I tried googling some images of Little Richard and I think it is him. He wasn’t wearing makeup at the airport so it is hard to tell. 

We are back from Mexico and very tan.

Posted in Conversations | 1 Comment »