More Annoyed than Amused

Archive for the ‘Pregnancy’ Category

Don’t Mess with a Woman in Labor

Posted by parsingtime on February 20, 2011

I never told the story of my 27 hour labor here on the blog and even though I would like to have it recorded for my own benefit some things are better left alone. If I remember my delivery and the days after too vividly I’m pretty sure N will be an only child.

There are two things I did want to mention because it is so not in character for me to behave quite so rudely to people who a. I don’t know and b. have not done anything to warrant my treatment.

You always here about women screaming at their Husbands, while in labor, telling them never to touch them and this is their fault etc. I wasn’t ever mean towards Husband but two poor doctors definitely felt wrath. One was a poor resident, who had probably started at the hospital a few days earlier. She walked in with the regular doctor (not my doctor just the random one that checks on you in between your doctors visits) and my ob/gyn was in there already checking on me. They just opened the door and moved over to my vagina and started pointing out all the different things that were currently going on down there. They all finally looked at me and I looked at the new girl and said, “well if you’re going to get a good look at my vagina without buying me dinner we should probably be introduced, I’m Parsing.” It is not so much what I said but my tone (I was definitely annoyed). When the regular doctor came back in later I asked her to apologize for my rudeness and she said it was a good teaching moment for the girl. I guess it was also a good teaching moment for her to realize women in labor are sometimes a little on edge.

The second bout of rudeness was with the guy who came in to give me my epidural. I was having 5 to 7 minute long contractions (normals ones are a minute or so) and after 12 hours of labor I could not take one more second of the horrible awful pain, so when he knocked on the door, and asked if everyone was decent, I panted out through gritted teeth, “I’m sure you’ve seen a naked woman before. Just get in here and give me the damn drugs.” Clearly, he didn’t have to buy me dinner before seeing me naked. Probably not the best thing to say to the man who is going to stick a needle in your back but there you have it. Also, after I got the drugs, I did tell him that I loved him and he was my new best friend. I’m guessing he gets that a lot.

I had sort of forgotten about both these incidents until Husband reminded me about them. So there you go, there is nothing like 7 minute long contractions to make you say inappropriate things to complete strangers.


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Finally Not Walking Funny

Posted by parsingtime on August 19, 2010

It’s been forty-seven days since N was born and yesterday was the first time I didn’t stand up and feel like all my reproductive organs might fall out. People this is HUGE.  When Random came to visit I had to warn her that I may grab my nether regions in front of her and it wasn’t an homage to Michael Jackson.

I’m also out of granny panties and wearing regular underwear again. I tried to lightly jog yesterday and well no, I’m not that healed but I can walk without feeling pain in my ass so that’s something.  I can see the light.

As for my diet…well I’m just not eating much by way of sugar and carbs but I’m still eating a lot due to the breastfeeding.  I sort of want to kick the celebrities that say they lost all their weight breastfeeding. I did eat baklava yesterday because it was either do that or find someone to sell me some illegal Valium. I ate baklava, took a hot shower and let Husband deal with Screamy McScreamerson.

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Posted by parsingtime on July 24, 2010

Three weeks post delivery and every day since at some point during the day I have gotten up from the sitting position and felt like all my reproductive organs are falling out of my hoo ha.

Is this normal and will it ever get better? I really hope so.

You know what is interesting? The only butt I’ve wiped in the last three weeks belongs to N. Post-birth you spritz with a bottle and pat dry. There is no wiping when you have stitches.  These are the things you learn after you have a baby.

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Post Partum Clothes

Posted by parsingtime on July 22, 2010

An addendum to this post.

Post-pregnancy, I walked (or rather rode) out of the hospital looking about 5-6 month pregnant.  Still in maternity clothes of course. Everything was swollen and unhappy. A week after birth I looked about three months pregnant and now if you just met me you probably wouldn’t know I had a baby three weeks ago. I look like I’m carrying a bit of extra weight but nothing about the way it looks screams pregnancy. Unless you see me with the tiny human and car seat.

After you give birth you will need new underwear. Your thongs and tiny bikini panties aren’t going to hold the boat of a pad (two boats, in many cases for the first week) that has to go in your underwear. You will feel like you are 12 again with your period for the first time.  I recommend boy shorts and living close to a Target.  Also, steal all the mesh underwear you can from the hospital. Those suckers are pretty good the first few days.

You also need new bras if you are breastfeeding. My girls haven’t increased in size but the clip on aspect of nursing bras are very convenient. Also, Target sells these great nursing tanks that are nice and long and cover your torso so you can wear them under your clothes and not feel self-conscious about your deflated beach ball stomach making a uninvited appearance.

I’m 18 days post-partum and I managed to squeeze (they buttoned but there was a roll of flab hanging over the top, so attractive; also these were my fat pants) into a pair of my non-maternity shorts  late last week.  I decided to leave them unbuttoned and reused my belly band (that I used from months 3-5) to keep the zip/button closed and the keep the flab smoothed in rather than out.  So I am now borrowing a couple of pairs of my mom’s size 6 pants since the 4’s are a bit of a stretch for me and they fit fine.  Two pants sizes to lose, that’s manageable right?*

I’m still wearing the tops I wore while pregnant but that is mostly because I’m self-conscious about the flab.  I’m not cleared for exercise (hello, fistula) and probably won’t be until the six week check up but I’m going to try and take N out in the car seat/stroller thingy for walks starting tomorrow or whenever it stops raining.

*You might wander why I keep mentioning my weight here on the blog…it’s to keep me honest. If I write it here then I have to report back on my progress.  There are women who look celebrity fantastic post-birth (hi, Kelly!) but for those of us who have to work on it…well I’ll keep you posted on how long it takes.

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Posted by parsingtime on July 15, 2010

There is nothing quite like going to the gynecologist and being told you have a little fistula. So then you ask what a fistula is and it is a hole. A hole in the middle of the two normal holes that you have. Fortunately my hole doesn’t go anywhere and should heal by itself.  A really horrible fistula means you number 2 out of your number 1.

But it is never a good thing when your doctor who has delivered probably a 1000 babies looks at you with sympathy and says, well it’s really not fair that you have this given the labor and delivery you had.

N may have to be an only child because my hoo ha can’t take another delivery like this one.

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Posted by parsingtime on July 12, 2010

*Things to do with baby and recovery can get kind of gross. Please keep that in mind as I write posts over the next few weeks. Sensitive people and children should turn away from the computer.

– Saturday night 9:41pm – we are in bed hoping Baby will sleep and happy to be in bed ourselves.

– KY Jelly – not used for what it’s advertised for but for post-baby bowel movements (these are the things no one tells you about post birth). That first post-baby bowel movement? Might cause you to pass out and wish for death.

– Husband and I have had some personal boundaries that we have never crossed. He has now seen me in every state possible.

– You will need new underwear post-birth. There is swelling and you have to wear two ginormous pads. Two pads that must be changed every time you pee. Also, when you are swelled up with water weight you have to pee a lot.

– Breastfeeding does not come naturally to everyone. Your baby has to learn. You have to learn and even then your body doesn’t always produce enough milk to sustain your hungry baby no matter how many lactation consultants and cups of mothers milk tea you drink.

– Everyone has opinions about what you should do regarding breastfeeding. You should ignore the people who make you feel guilty about pumping your milk and feeding it to your child in a bottle or supplementing with formula. They may have fed exclusively from the breast and they may feel that it is the only way for you to bond with your child but do not let them make you feel guilty. Also, how insensitive do you have to be  to tell a hormonal woman less than one week post delivery that she is doing it all wrong.

– I’ve lost half of the 31lbs I gained in the first week. My stomach looks like a deflated beach ball. The stretch marks are horrifying. Seriously horrifying. Worse than when I was pregnant (when they were stretched out they didn’t look as bad as they do now). Here is what someone one week out from birthing a 7.5lb baby looks like.  In the hospital I looked quite a bit bigger but my stomach continues to shrink. I’m guessing the last 10lbs won’t come off without exercise but that I still have a bit of water weight to lose.

Speaking of water weight.  Yeah, my feet do not normally look like this. I never had cankles during pregnancy but post pregnancy? What a mess.

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19 and Insane

Posted by parsingtime on July 2, 2010

Currently wondering what kind of mind altering drugs Michelle Duggar is on and where I can get some. That is the only explanation I can think of that make her 19 pregnancies make any sense.

Having ridiculous lower abdomen and back pain right now but am not allowed to go back to L&D unless I’m having contractions 5 minutes apart that cause me to stop what I’m doing or my water breaks.

Also, fearful of going number 2 because if I give birth in my toilet I really will lose  it.

Please send baby come out/water breaking thoughts because I really can’t do this until Tuesday.  Not without seriously maiming someone.

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Really Clueless

Posted by parsingtime on July 1, 2010

Well I really am clueless because the hospital sent me home….but not before being amazed at my five minute long contractions and lack of distress the baby seems to feel when I have them. GREAT.

So now I’m that girl at L&D. The one who shows up not in labor. In my defense I will say contractions every 5 minutes when you have been having none for weeks seems like a reason to go to the hospital. Now I know better.

I’d like to go hide under a rock now. Preferably one big enough to push the baby out with it’s weight.

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Posted by parsingtime on July 1, 2010

I’m not very good about figuring out this contraction thing. I think they are about 10 minutes apart at this point but they don’t hurt. Shouldn’t they hurt?

I feel like more should be happening.  Or at a minimum I should know what is happening but it all feels like a bit of a mystery. Is this happening? It is in my mind? Should I be doing something other than blogging about how confused I am?

So I guess my update is I think I’m in labor but because I’m clueless and it doesn’t hurt and my water hasn’t broken and it doesn’t feel like some big moment (you know angels singing etc) I’m just not sure.

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Progress Report

Posted by parsingtime on June 30, 2010

4cm dilated and contracting. The doctor seems to think I will be in full-blown labor in the next day or two but an induction is scheduled for next Tuesday due to low amniotic fluid (it’s not too low otherwise she would have induced today) if the baby doesn’t show up before then.

Will keep you posted.

I find it sort of unfortunate that if Baby Time is born this weekend that I’m going to have to tell her that the number one movie at the box office was one of those dumb Twilight movies. Is that a weird thing to be annoyed about? Probably.

Edited: Having the urge to pull out the vacuum and clean bathrooms. Surely labor is imminent?

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