Parsingtime

More Annoyed than Amused

Archive for December, 2008

Mele Kalikimaka

Posted by parsingtime on December 23, 2008

We’re back. Maui was good. Beaches, blue oceans, humpback whales, Hana, craters, sunshine, waterfalls, sushi, pineapple mojitos and Mama’s Fish House, which if you are ever in Maui you must try. The fish is unbelievably fresh. They don’t deal with distributors, the fisherman deliver the fish every morning after they catch it right to Mama on her dock.  The view is also stunning.

We also went to Kauai. Kauai was bad. Rain, cold, cool Helicopter ride, more rain made even more hilarious by the fact that we had a convertible.  So we left early and went back to Maui where we drank more Mai Tai’s and swam in the ocean all day. I’m not sure I would ever go back to Hawaii…it was nice and we had fun…but nine hours in a plane to land in America? Just seems weird.  And yes, I will cop to the fact that I’m completely spoiled travel wise so I should just shut up.   Feel free to pelt me with a wet noodle or something.

I’d like to mention that almost every place we ate in Hawaii had better food than I’ve had here in Charlotte. How is that possible?

We are heading back to Texas tomorrow for the holidays followed by a three week long visit from my sister in law.  I feel like life has been a whirlwind the last two months and I definitely prefer the mundane.  I’m ready to go to sleep and wake up in February, who’s with me?

Advertisements

Posted in Travel | Leave a Comment »

Not Fair

Posted by parsingtime on December 23, 2008

He spent the last two years of his life on the road and he has a six pack?

Barack Obama on holiday in his trunks

So not fair. Of course, unlike me, while in Hawaii Obama is probably not drinking Mai Tai’s on the beach in the middle of the afternoon (it was nighttime on the mainland, that’s all that counts).

Dear Santa, for Christmas please send me Obama’s metabolism or Madonna’s trainer.

Love, Parsing.

Posted in Random | Leave a Comment »

Informative

Posted by parsingtime on December 14, 2008

Today I heard a 30 minute conversation what a “douche” was compared to a “tool” and which was worse. This was from a group of 6 thirty-ish year olds. 

I then listened to a bunch of 20 year olds (and I’m being generous here) talk about their various exploits with ecstasy and pot and heard about the benefits and drawbacks of the various ADD prescription drugs and what they do to you. One girl was going to trade a two week stay at her place for 50 pills of adderall.

And then I listened two a couple argue about how the woman spends too much time on her iPhone. The man demanded that she turn it off for the rest of their vacation and she started crying.

The people watching has been informative.

Posted in Conversations | Leave a Comment »

Maui Day 1: Rain

Posted by parsingtime on December 12, 2008

It took us 23 hours to get to Hawaii because of crazy delays, and given that we got up at 3:30 in the morning when we finally arrived in Maui we had enough energy to shower, pretend to give each other a kiss goodnight and pass out.  It’s now 5:30 in the morning and the breakfast doesn’t open for a another couple of hours so Husband is watching CNBC and I’m blogging. It is also supposed to rain for the next five days, something that according to the locals never happens.  It was raining in Charlotte when we left.  We traveled 23 hours to arrive in America to weather similar to what we left, albeit 20 degrees warmer.

On our 23 hour journey we experienced the brillance that is the average person.  Let ‘s keep in mind that this particular woman was dressed well and in her late thirties or early forties.

Did the announcer just say the flight was 9 hours 41 minutes?

Yes.

But, but we leave here at 10:30 and get to Hawaii at 3:30? That’s only five hours.

Uh, well 3:30 is the time in Hawaii and there is a five hour time difference between there and here.

Wow, I just never knew it took 10 hours to get to Hawaii.

Posted in Conversations, Travel | 1 Comment »

Out Loud

Posted by parsingtime on December 9, 2008

Something funny happened in a dream that I had last night (no, I can’t tell you because other people’s dreams are always weird and boring) and it was so funny that I couldn’t help myself but laugh out loud. At 5am. Which woke up Husband, who wanted to know what was funny, except I was still laughing and let’s be honest the dream wasn’t so funny it warranted waking everyone up early. Perhaps it was hysteria.

One thing is clear: I’m going to be a crazy cat lady when I get old. I’m pretty sure only crazy cat ladies laugh out loud in the middle of the night AT THEIR DREAMS.

Posted in What the...? | Leave a Comment »

The Juice

Posted by parsingtime on December 5, 2008

OJ Simpson just got sentenced to 17 1/2 years in prison.

Dear OJ,

It’s hard to get lucky, twice, with the American legal System. And this time there was no glove to acquit you. You are stupid.

Love,

Parsing

PS – that If I Did It book of yours? Also a really moronic move.

PPS – Watch out for those prison gangs.

Posted in MOG | Leave a Comment »

Update on Lucius

Posted by parsingtime on December 5, 2008

Remember how I wrote about Lucius a few weeks ago?

He is the GC of one of the companies I work for.  In an enlightening conversation with someone else very high up in the organization I discovered that I’m not the moronic douche-bag he has been making me feel like for the last six months.  In fact he is the spineless moronic douche-bag.

Seemingly he likes to surround himself with people less intelligent than himself so that he looks smarter. He likes to “celebrate mediocrity.”  I don’t fit the bill and that, according to my source, is one of the reasons he has been so unhappy with my work as of late.

Quite frankly, I’d rather lose him as a client than continue to let him make me feel like I was a f*cking idiot.

It isn’t a pleasant feeling I promise.

Posted in Work | Leave a Comment »

New Blog Rule

Posted by parsingtime on December 3, 2008

I realized during this trip to Texas that blogging is terrible for my in person interactions.  At the engagement party we attended I realized all my good stories had already been posted on the blog and that most people there had already read them.  Same goes for my high school friend reunion. Apologies to everyone who had to read a story here and then hear me tell it in person.

New rule…in the month or two before weddings or major social events I need to curb telling all good stories on the blog and save them for real life.

Posted in Random | Leave a Comment »

Dishtowels

Posted by parsingtime on December 3, 2008

Disclaimer: I don’t know very many married people and so I don’t know if Husband and I have a normal relationship. I’m sure to many of you we seem weird but I swear we aren’t. We feel happy, well adjusted and normal despite the following occurrence.

Smell here (points to the area between the nose and lips)

I’m not going to smell you. And if I do I’m going to blog it.

Just smell.

(giggling ) I’m not smelling.

Just smell.

(smells — this is awkward because my nose has to get up under his nose) It smells fine.

No, smell again.

I’m not smelling again.

Well smell the dish towel. Just smell it.

Well don’t rub it on my face and I’ll smell it.  (smells) It smells fine. (dishtowel then gets rubbed on my face). HUSBAND

It smells like sweaty balls. And my face now smells like sweaty balls.

What!? I just put a new towel out today, it doesn’t smell weird.

It smells like sweaty balls.

How would you know what sweaty balls smell like anyway?  And who asked you and your weird family to always wipe their faces on the dishtowels after every meal.

Sweaty Balls!

(I proceed to snatch the dishtowel and chase husband who goes and hides from his sweaty ball smelling dishtowel carrying wife in the bedroom )  Like I said I’m sure we seem weird but really we feel normal so long as normal means chasing, wrestling and making the other person say uncle.

Also, I’ll take this over someone going to bed early any day. That’s how desperate I am.

And now I know the new lavender vanilla Bounce sheets actually smell like sweaty balls according to Husband’s questionable olfactory senses.

Posted in Conversations | 2 Comments »

Things Worth Mentioning

Posted by parsingtime on December 1, 2008

We are going to Hawaii for ten days.  I want to stay home and buy 40lb bags of rice and prepare for the economic apocalypse but Husband is forcing me to go. In our defense of our conspicuous consumer consumption we did get our flights, hotels and car rental using miles and points. And my parents gifted us money for Christmas so that we (and by we I mean Me) don’t have to feel bad about booking that helicopter trip everyone says is so awesome.  Nevertheless, I still feel anxious about the economy (I probably need to stop reading those doomsday news articles and blogs) and of course our friends the CIA Twins may never talk to us again because we are not heading to New Zealand for an RV tour of middle earth with them. B&B? Blame Husband, he booked the trip to Hawaii and is forcing me to go with him.

We spent a lovely evening on Saturday at the engagement party of Husband’s high school friend, who then became a college friend of mine. Two of Husband’s high school friends are newly engaged, both to really nice women, so it was great to hang out and see everyone. I especially love seeing people newly in love (yes they’ve all been dating for a while but they are newly engaged so it counts as newly engaged love).

This past Thanksgiving week we discovered that I am the only person in my immediate family that has not smoked pot.  I was telling this story about Husband and a strip club (he was completely mortified) until my mom busted out her own Thailand strip club (good grief I did not know some of those things were possible) experience which made Husband’s experience look like a Girls Gone Wild flashing DVD.  My Dad then adds that my mom accidentally smoked some pot on this same trip to Thailand at which point my sister busts out with her one time New Zealand pot smoking experience (she said it burned her lungs and she was done, in case you think I live with a bunch of druggies). Everyone then looked at me, the only person in the room who had never tried pot and well, I felt like an outcast. My family likes to make fun of me for being the one with a stick up her ass.  This is my family. And reading this one vignette about my family should explain why Husband’s family feels like a completely foreign entity to me. The strip club story could never happened at Casa Visnawathan.

Husband three days ago admitted that in high school he had to take a friend to one of those all night emergency clinics to get his stomach pumped from drinking too much alcohol. This was an incident that took place over ten years ago and Husband’s parents are only now learning about it.  I think they were pretty surprised to say the least. If one of my friends had to have his stomach pumped I would have totally told the story to both my parents the next day.

I have one last piece of news but I think I’ll give it it’s own entry.

Posted in Navel Gazing | 2 Comments »