Parsingtime

More Annoyed than Amused

Archive for January, 2010

We’ve Eaten Enough

Posted by parsingtime on January 29, 2010

Despite eating an enormous bowl of cereal, half a bagel, 2lbs of grapes (I’m not even joking), a peach, a pear, a vat of minestrone soup, two Digestive biscuits, left over Indian food, almonds, yogurt and edamame The Beast still seems to be hungry.

And it wants chocolate mini eggs, a Costco sized bag of salt and vinegar potato chips, a spicy tuna roll, a banh mi sandwich with extra jalapenos and an entire veggie pizza with siracha.

Dear Baby,

Did you know that the books say you and I only need an extra 300 calories per day? You get those extra calories at breakfast and yet you are not appeased. Do you have an over-eating disorder we need to discuss?

Please get full. There is NO MORE ROOM IN MY STOMACH.  In fact, if you do want me to eat more then you are going to have to give up some amniotic fluid room. That means less swimming space.

Also, while we are having this talk, why is it you don’t have to pee that much during the day but at night you need to go all the time –I do believe this is an example of you messing with me and I don’t appreciate it, remember I get to be in charge in a few months, sort of. Alright, fine,  I get to be in charge in like two years, but still at some point I do get to be in charge and I won’t forget these in utero months — I prefer not to have to pee three times a night, it disturbs my sleep. So if you could find a way to sort that out I would be thrilled.

Thrilled enough that I might let you eat potato chips. Think about it. I’m open to bargaining and bribery. Let’s make a deal.

Love,

Your Mom? Mommy? Mama? Let’s go with Host for now. I don’t feel like  a Mom yet.*

* For those of you who send hate mail about what a terrible parent I’m going to be…it’s a joke. I recognize that the person growing in my body is not purposely,with malicious intent, causing the hunger or multiple potty breaks. Also, I can’t believe I have to spell that out…humorless people.

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Posted in Pregnancy | 2 Comments »

Oh, Steve

Posted by parsingtime on January 28, 2010

I realize that this is not important in any way shape or form but I really wish someone would buy Steve Jobs a new shirt and a belt.

Every damn announcement he makes, whether it is to talk about his liver or the iPod, he wears the same black semi-turtle neck t-shirt and no belt. Doesn’t he know that men are required to wear a belt when they tuck in their shirts?

I wanted to talk about the State of the Union this morning but I was so distracted by Nancy Pelosi’s rapidly blinking eyes and smug looks every time Obama mentioned things the House had passed, that I can’t write anything.

Posted in Bad Fashion | 1 Comment »

More House

Posted by parsingtime on January 27, 2010

We found a great house this week. It fits our criteria in all but one area and is on a street we like in the neighborhood we like…the only problem is it isn’t move in ready. It needs new carpet in the bedrooms, new appliances, new counter tops and new paint everywhere (I mean from doors to ceilings — my real estate agent thinks I can live with the mocha walls, a red accent wall and lemon bedrooms but I can’t). So I would guess about $15-$20,000 worth of work.

We would price it as the fair value on a square foot basis for that area and then knock off the amount of work needed to be done and offer that much but it makes me nervous. I’m not able to pick decorative accents without feeling buyers remorse let alone picking a house,  paint and carpet.  HGTV has not improved my decorating sense.

And of course the real estate agent wants to make an offer on the house like, NOW NOW NOW. And I need time to think about it.  Of course someone else may make an offer on it but would I be heart-broken? So many people tell me they walked into a house and just knew that it was the perfect house for them. I have yet to feel that way.

So do you wait for that feeling or do you acknowledge that this is your first home and unlikely to be your last and go with what works for now?

I have such first world problems. I’m going to go self-flagellate.

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Ha, So Delusional

Posted by parsingtime on January 26, 2010

Guess what?

What?

My company off site is in Barcelona. I’ll get to fly first class and stay at a fancy hotel for a week.

Well that will be more fun than skeet shooting. When is it?

Mid June.

Parsing, staring.

But don’t worry I’m not going to go for the whole time. I’ll just for for a couple of days and come back. We’ll have a check up before I go, the doctor will know if anything is going to happen right?

If you miss the birth of your child I will never let you forget it. Ever.

Posted in Conversations | 1 Comment »

Baby Talk from the Weekend

Posted by parsingtime on January 25, 2010

First, off when I walked into the café on Friday, Kelly looked at me and said, “you don’t look pregnant at all.”  That plus a piece of chocolate mousse cake made my Friday.

Second, Emilia gave me my first baby gift…cute little socks that look like Converse sneakers. Disturbingly, when I showed them to my mom she said, “you know those are going to be too big for a newborn”. People they are like the size of my thumb!  I don’t think I’m capable of taking care of something with feet smaller than my thumb.

Third, I should have a category that titled They let anyone Procreate (but that doesn’t mean they should).  Husband and I have conversations like this one all the time.

You know I read that this week the baby is moving around and rolling and doing all sorts of crazy stuff in there.

Do you think that if we put the equivalent of a baby scuba mask on it after it is born and put it water it would still be able to do all that stuff.

I don’t know. Probably.

Do you think babies get really angry when they come out? I mean they get put into what is basically a baby straight jacket after having all that freedom to move around.

That would explain why babies cry so much.

Fourth, Delores, the housekeeper, whom I love dearly (she sweeps under the couch and moves furniture) says that I’m having a girl. We had a broken English, poor Spanish conversation consisting with her telling me that if I haven’t felt the baby move yet then I’m having a girl. Boy babies move earlier than girl babies in her personal baby experience. And my next door neighbor’s mother thinks I’m having a boy, because she was never sick and she has boys.

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Happy Friday

Posted by parsingtime on January 22, 2010

Today’s bit of happiness? Dessert with Kelly and Emilia.  Random, hop on a plane stat and join us.

Does anyone else think John Edwards is a total douche?

I’ve tried to post every (week) day of January but I’ve run out of anything interesting to say and I’ve become the person that only talks about house hunting and their unborn fetus.  Fortunately, this weekend Husband is going to learn how to shoot a gun in preparation for a work off site. Surely, that will be good for a few amusing posts.

Posted in Random | 3 Comments »

Regarding

Posted by parsingtime on January 21, 2010

Re: House Hunting

While eating Vietnamese food yesterday Real Estate Agent and I decided that we have the location of the future Time home, she now knows what we want and what we are willing to give on and we know our price range. We are now going to have to wait and see what comes on the market.  Hopefully we will have a house by Spring.

Re: Baby Time

Baby Time likes beef. Parsingtime pretty much never eats beef. You should have seen me eating more than my fair share of ginger beef yesterday. Greedy, baby, your paternal grandparents and maternal great-grandparents are going to be seriously unimpressed but don’t worry I don’t plan on telling if you don’t.

Also, the real estate agent says based on the way I’m carrying she thinks I’m having a girl. This week is actually the first week I look pregnant (vs. she ate too much pecan pie) and at some point in the near future I’m actually going to have to realize I’m pregnant and need some new clothes.  I’m positive that maternity shopping is not as fun as regular shopping.   Any other guesses based on nothing on what we are having? All these old wives tales amuse me….according to some needle and string trick I’m having a boy and the Chinese online gender test says boy too.

Speaking of maternal great-grandparents my grandmother told me a story the other day of a man from Canada that she knows who couldn’t have a baby for years and then visited he  Sai Baba temple in India and became a vegetarian and all of the sudden his wife got pregnant after years of trying. The moral of the story according to Ba? Don’t eat meat or you’ll have problems with your baby. Moral of the story I got out of the story? If we had trouble getting pregnant I should visit a temple and become vegetarian. She has been trying to get me to go veggie for years. I could probably inherit something from her if I did. Eh, whatever.

Re: My Mom

She is thoroughly unimpressed with my cooking abilities. We can’t all make a three course meal out of three beans, a red pepper and a hot rock but try telling her that. She has also egged on my most recent obsession with HGTV.  We criticize the ugly homes the couples on Property Virgins choose. It’s an enjoyable pastime if you haven’t tried it.

Re: Scott Brown

If my father, in his victory speech, told people I was single and available I would have to kill him. Also, my dad posing naked in a magazine would be reason alone for me to ask him not to run for public office. If only his election meant Nancy Pelosi would go hide under a rock and never come out.

Posted in Random | 3 Comments »

Ugly

Posted by parsingtime on January 20, 2010

I think Open Toe boots are ugly. No one can convince me otherwise.

I’ve been getting a little feedback that perhaps my posts have been a little too forthright in relation to the old pregnancy. I think they are honest. Others think vulgar. I think those two things are mutually exclusive. But I’m going to tone it down before the Chinese come after me.

You know what else is ugly? House hunting with a real estate agent who kindly shows you what you can get for $50-$75,000 more than your price range.  I really didn’t need to see those real wood floors, spa like bathrooms and bright sunny rooms (My mom however is already planning for her next home, it’s in her price range — as if she didn’t just buy one less than a year ago). What’s worse is whoever owned the house we saw had a small child and had an awesome nursery and little play area set up. The kind of decorating ideas that would never occur to me because I’m not creative. I just wanted to buy this house, change out the linens and be done with it.

And one last ugly thing…me. How long am I going to be sick? All this nose blowing, dry skin, red Boris Yeltsin I drink too much face and post nasal drip needs to go away.

Posted in Random | 4 Comments »

Constantly Hungry

Posted by parsingtime on January 19, 2010

I have the most awesome purse from Argentina. It is large.  This morning I picked it up and wondered why it weighed a ton. So I emptied it out and found:

  1. Three mini dark chocolate squares
  2. A granola bar
  3. Three Clementines
  4. A baggie full of prenatal vitamins
  5. A baggie of almonds
  6. A packet of Walker’s shortbread cookies

Also in there lip gloss, wallet and phone. Ah the joys of being a starving pregnant person (Husband is quite frankly amazed at how much food I’m able to put away these days).  I do believe this is practice for being a mom with baggies of cheerios and raisins.

One thing is certain, I’m going to need a bigger bag.

Posted in Pregnancy | 1 Comment »

Benefits of Living at Home

Posted by parsingtime on January 18, 2010

Also reasons why I may never move out.

One, I share the cooking and only have to cook two or three days a week. The rest of the week someone far superior takes over and makes my favorite things.

Two, a housekeeper comes regularly and cleans the bathrooms and changes the sheets. Even Husband has commented on how nice it is to come home to an immaculate house.  The housekeeper does a far superior job cleaning than I ever could. I, for one, have never seen any reason to clean the fridge out every time I clean.

Three, my childhood bed (a king size monstrosity) is still the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept on. I get the best sleep in that bed. Also, since I now sleep with a body pillow ( I could talk for years about how miserable I am not being able to sleep on my stomach and that this is the worst part of pregnancy so far)  now we actually need a king size bed to fit the two of us and all the accouterments I need to sleep.

Four, my mom randomly comes home with Cadbury mini eggs that she found in the store, before Valentines day which never happens. These are my favorite chocolates and I love them with all my heart.  But because my mom knows me so well she only came home with a little mini packet so I don’t have to worry about eating the giant packet in one day and my then googling do mini eggs give you your daily nutritional value of everything because that is all I ate today.

Basically I have a nice thoughtful wife in my mom.

If only Husband could Star Trek transponder himself to work and not deal with the commute…we could then get a house for less than it cost for business school.

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