More Annoyed than Amused

Archive for April, 2010

Husband’s Thirty

Posted by parsingtime on April 30, 2010

Husband turns 30 today.

When we turned 20 we had been dating for less than six months, went sky diving and weren’t old enough to drink. Now we are turning 30, having a kid and I still can’t drink.

Sometimes I think back on the last ten years and am amazed at all the things we have done personally and professionally.  Husband on the other hand reads about this 30 year old guy who just started his own fund with $75 million dollars of his own money and gets a little depressed. Husband, that guy has to work all the time….he doesn’t have time for deep sea fishing in Belize or napping on the couch with his spouse on a Sunday afternoon.

Happy Birthday! I can’t wait to see what this decade will bring.


Posted in Husband | 1 Comment »

Things I Hate Love

Posted by parsingtime on April 29, 2010

Things I don’t like so much:

  • People who write checks at the grocery store
  • When my jeans touch the ground while using a public restroom
  • Sleeping on my side
  • Anything Twilight
  • The home loan process
  • Houston Drivers
  • Stupid people at the airport
  • The fact that there is a corner in Houston with two stand alone Starbucks and a Starbucks in the Barnes & Noble behind one of them. Three Starbucks on two corners is wrong
  • Bananas
  • Unpacking
  • Not being able to run

Things I love

  • Bowls of Oatmeal as big as my head sweetened with Agave topped with granola and strawberries
  • Grapefruit. I love this in an unnatural way. I would marry grapefruit
  • My neighborhood
  • Guava Candy, thanks to Mags and the Plano gang for trekking through Chinatown with me
  • Music. As I’ve been unpacking I’ve had my iPod or Pandora on at all times
  • Weather in Houston in April
  • Events that force all my favorite people together for one weekend (I may not love the actual event especially if there are games, ahem, Kelly, Emilia and Random I’m looking at you)
  • Feeling Baby Time move (when it’s not the middle of the night), it confirms things are as well as can be in there
  • Sweeping our garage (help! I’ve become a crazy homeowner)
  • Clean sheets
  • Cheap manicures

Posted in Navel Gazing | 2 Comments »

Natural Gas

Posted by parsingtime on April 28, 2010

Overall (fingers crossed) my pregnancy has been easy so far. I wasn’t sick, I haven’t been constipated, I don’t have Indian fat face (thanks Amrapali for the phrase), no swollen feet, my wedding rings still fit, I’ve managed to make it through my days in clothes vs sweatpants which I consider a win. Though Husband unpacked the full length mirror this weekend and that was more of a horror than I was expecting. I really hope this doesn’t mean my labor is going to be sucky.

All of this is completely different from enjoying pregnancy in case you were wondering. I hate getting up in the night to pee. I wake up most mornings having forgotten about my 20lb gut and try to get out of bed and remember I have to roll and scoot. My legs are dying (I could write a dissertation about how much my legs hurt). Seriously, the restless leg syndrome is going to kill me sometime over the next ten weeks.  I hate how solicitous people are of me as a pregnant person. My dad and my in-laws ask how my health is every time we talk. If you want to care about my health, care about it all the time and not just when I’m carrying your grandchild (my mom, has no issues with me bringing in groceries or washing dishes, which I appreciate. Her unsolicited decorating advice about the lovely beige shower curtain she has that would look so much better in my bathroom I could do without).

There is one thing I suffered from the first 3 to 4 months of pregnancy that I have not discussed. I feel like in the interest of full disclosure I should.  This is similar to my plan of taking a photo when I go into labor and another when I come home from the hospital. Someone needs to show the world what a non-celebrity looks like post birth.

And so I do this for you, however if you ever see me in person never discuss this post with me. I’m comfortable telling the internet a bunch of things I don’t ever want to discuss in person, this is one of those things. I’m doing this for the benefit of all you people who haven’t been pregnant.

What no one tells you about pregnancy is the gas. Oh sure, they sort of mention it in the book but what they don’t tell you is it is the kind of gas that on its release would kill four people sitting in a car with the windows closed.

From weeks 6 to 9 I was so happy I worked from home because I had the most toxic gas known to man. And it WOULD. NOT. STOP.  I mean it’s the kind of noxious, disgusting, grossness I might expect from a 12-year-old boy after consuming 58 tacos from Taco Bueno (I kind of wanted to use a Tiembo food example here because he is the master of eating weird crap but I have no proof that he ever had gas that could kill a 5-year-old)

The fact that I alone could cause the blimp to fly was just way more than any woman should have to handle.  So when I went in for a check up and they asked if I was having any issues, like vomiting etc I said no but was there anything we could do about the gas?  The answer included some random crap about progesterone and a big fat no.

The gas was amusing for Husband in that usually it is him making horrible smells and not me. He enjoyed having the tables turned until we had a serious discussion about how he could not under any circumstances discuss the gas or intimate that anything noxious had occurred in his vicinity. This is how embarrassing the gas was for me. So embarrassing that the person who has seen me reenacting the vomiting scene from the Exorcist was not allowed to discuss it.

It has fortunately gone away. But just in case I now avoid gas causing foods at all costs. I don’t want to relive any of that ever again.  Let it never be said, that I’m not willing to be honest with you people even at the cost of my personal pride.

Lets never discuss this again.

No, really I’m serious.

Posted in Pregnancy | 2 Comments »

My Tenant is Annoying Me

Posted by parsingtime on April 27, 2010

Dear Baby,

Please take your feet off my lungs.  I can’t breathe. If I can’t breath this tenant/landlord thing we have going on won’t work. I could evict you  if I wanted. Fine, I couldn’t, it’s an empty threat but I could still name you Mildred or Hester an you would have to live with that for the rest of you life.

Look, we have ten more weeks of co-existence, let’s make it pleasant for everyone. If you do take your feet off my lungs I promise when you are thirty/pregnant/purchasing your first home not to offer unsolicited decorating suggestions or tell you 68 times what we did when you were a baby and look how well you turned out. You may not appreciate this offer now but you will, I promise.

If you choose not to remove your feet just know that an awful name is in your future. I’ll also stop all deposits of watermelon and grapefruit.



PS I should have negotiated a better lease.

Posted in Pregnancy | 1 Comment »

Pregnancy Stuff

Posted by parsingtime on April 26, 2010

Big thanks to Kelly for finding this crib bedding.  I think I’m going with this and nursery colors done (not with that rug I found though. That would be overkill. Also Husband isn’t sure he likes it, but, what does he know? He wants something cutesy and I want something that doesn’t look too baby). Kelly come pick all the furniture in my house. Please.

The next person who tells me that my inability to get comfortable and sleep is natures way of preparing me for a baby is going to get a spoon poked into their eye. I am completely aware that the mini despot that is going to enter our lives is going cause me to lose sleep and that waking up every few hours to wipe someone else behind and stick a boob in her face is going to suck hairy goat balls, from a sleep perspective at least.  Perhaps I will turn into supermom and find diaper changing and breastfeeding to be my calling in life. Hahahaha….probably not, but Sarah Palin did get picked to run for VP so stranger things have happened — I don’t need to lose sleep now to know about the sleeplessness that is about to occur. Nature can bite me.

The whole waking up every few hours is going to be interesting given that I’m the girl who has never pulled an all nighter, ever in her life. I find it amusing that just when I would be up in the middle of the night and able to call Random (she pulls all nighters with some frequency) she goes and changes her job. Coincidence? I think not.

Husband looked at me the other day and asked, “do you think we will look back in 18 years from now and eh, it was just okay.”  I told him I hope not.

Husband looked at me last night and said, “I bet you don’t even remember what it’s like not to be pregnant.” Husband, I remember what it’s like to be thin and not pregnant. I was not pregnant for 29 years. You don’t forget being able to get out of bed like a normal human instead of rolling like a fat little sausage.

Speaking of thin, Old Navy is a pregnant woman’s dream store. The stuff is cheap and holy moly the vanity sizing in place there is unbelievable. I still do not fit into any of their maternity (at 30 weeks pregnant) but t-shirts in small and medium? Perfect fit.

10 weeks to go. 22lbs up.  I can still see my feet but not the location where the baby will be making an exit. I’m pretty sure that is a good thing!

Posted in Pregnancy | 2 Comments »


Posted by parsingtime on April 16, 2010

We closed on our house on March 11. This weekend is the first weekend we are actually spending at home.  Thirty-six days after buying I am going to have a second pair of non-pregnant hands to store away christmas decorations, suitcases and ski clothes into closets and places I can’t reach.

I’m feeling positively giddy about the progress I’m hoping to make this weekend.

Posted in Life | Leave a Comment »


Posted by parsingtime on April 15, 2010

So today while at the grocery store a scraggly looking man with an even scraggly-er looking goatee behind me in line asked if I was pregnant.


Are you taking care of yourself?

Uh, yes.

I notice you are buying deli meat. You know pregnant women shouldn’t eat deli meat.

That’s for my husband.

Oh, well, that’s okay then. What are you having?

A girl.

Have you picked out a name?

No we haven’t.

Well you should buy a book. That’s what everyone does.

I’ll have to look into that. Thanks.

You know I have a friend who is a child psychiatrist and he says the first five years are the most important in having your kid be normal and not a psychopath.

I mean I don’t have kids but my friend is a child psychiatrist so he would know.  I like the name Roxanne by the way. You could call her Roxy.

That’s a nice name. Thanks for the suggestion.

And then it turned out that the cashier was also pregnant so even though I thought I could escape the conversation it continued with a third person.

I don’t like to talk to people sitting next to me on the plane and I certainly don’t want to talk to people at the grocery store beyond the hi how are you, have a nice day stuff.

And, in case you were wondering you should never go to the post office on April 15. You will live to regret it.

Posted in Pregnancy | 1 Comment »


Posted by parsingtime on April 14, 2010

Several weeks ago Husband asked if I was going to sing to our child. I said yes, knowing, while Baby Time will probably love Husband’s singing voice, it is a voice that only a child that has never heard music sung could appreciate. My singing voice while not great by any means is definitely better than Husbands.

But the question got me thinking…I know no lullaby’s. I know Twinkle Twinkle and Ba Ba Black Sheep and one about an old lady who swallowed a fly. I told Random that I was concerned that I was going to be the bad parent whose kid never gets sung to and is tone deaf and hates music all because of me.

A kid that hates music truly would be a tragedy for me.  But then I found the Rockabye Baby Lullaby’s which have lullaby versions of various artists music. So my kid can rock out — after a night of binge drinking milk –to Coldplay, The Beatles, Bob Marley, U2 and Queen.

And I already know the words so I’m in good shape. Lullaby’s? Check.

Posted in Pregnancy | 1 Comment »

Nope, Not Ready

Posted by parsingtime on April 13, 2010

I’m pretty sure I over did it yesterday what with the regular for pay work, unpacking, breaking down boxes and filling of garbage bags with packing paper. Must remember I’m carrying a negative 3 month old who will jab you in a kidney if you mess with her.  She has added heartburn so painful I felt like there was a 1000lb water buffalo sitting on my chest.

I also think I have body dysmorphic disorder except I think I’m skinnier than I actually am which leads to issues when I try to clear the car in the garage. Going sideways no longer works.

Today  I took a three-year old to the park, while on the swings he kept a running commentary of what I can only imagine was every single question that popped into his head.  I was asked why dogs like to catch frisbees, why I was calling Husband when I could just send a text (three-year olds knowing about texts blew my mind), why the squirrels were playing, how do airplanes fly, where did I think the airplane we saw was going, why there weren’t any other kids at the park, why was I driving his mommy’s car, why, why why.  And then I wondered for the millionth time if Husband and I are really prepared for this.

The answer is still a resounding no.

Posted in Pregnancy | Leave a Comment »


Posted by parsingtime on April 12, 2010

Have you guys ever been to Buc-ees? Husband and I stopped there on our way to Dallas and were amazed at the cleanliness of the bathrooms and size of the store. They sell everything. Breakfast burritos, lattes, Dr. Pepper Icees, Jerky, homemade Fudge, Beaver nuggets (whatever those are), clothes, sunglasses, banana pudding, entire apple pies, rawhide chairs and a whole lot more.

I’ve also never seen so many hand sanitizer dispensers in one place outside of a hospital.  It was insanely busy and you order everything via touchscreen computers.

If you have never been I highly recommend it. The bathrooms alone are worth it but the people watching is the cherry on top.

Posted in Travel | 2 Comments »