More Annoyed than Amused

The Coolest Guy

Posted by parsingtime on June 3, 2010

Dear Nameless Inhabitant of my Womb,

You and I have gotten to know each other as well as any parasite and host can over these last few months, but I wanted to let you know about the other person whose voice you hear most frequently after me….that’s Husband, soon to be Dad or perhaps you will call him Daddy. It’s up to you.  He doesn’t really look like a Dad to me but that’s because he still looks 25, has all his hair and laughs uproariously at movies like Stepbrothers.

You don’t know him that well but you will. He spent his weekend putting together baby items for you and reading safety manuals. I’m not completely positive but I think he has put reminders on his outlook on when he has to move/change out the crib mobile for optimal learning.  He is already thinking of 18 life lessons he wants to teach you over the next 18 years and I can guarantee whatever he comes up with will be the kind of things that will help you your entire life.  He’s smart like that.  I’m sure there will be times when you hate him. Like when he tells you your shorts and skirts are too short and you can’t leave the house wearing that but remember he has your best interests in mind…that and doing everything in his power to get you into Princeton.

He will also be the person you can be silly with and will never get bored reading Peek a Who to you for the millionth time (unlike me who is already bored with Goodnight Moon after one reading).  He’ll be the one who holds you while you try to jump over the big waves at the beach and the one to sit with you while you do math homework.  He’ll hang all your art work in his office next to his Warren Buffet photo and like your stuff better (this is a big deal because for the guy you will call Dad meeting Warren Buffet was the best day of his life).

Now, I’ll be the one riding the crazy boat ride at amusement parks that go back and forth and then all the way around because he gets sick, but that’s okay because other than that he is the cool one out of the two of us. I’m the one who with the stick up her butt who will make you eat organic quinoa. Sorry about that.

We are both a little freaked out about meeting you.  I mean who wouldn’t be? Meeting a complete stranger who you are obligated to take care of for a lifetime? But we’re pretty sure you’re going to be awesome, we are after all. So keep doing your thing but if you could somehow arrange it so I could sleep a little better over the next few weeks I promise to keep the Dad character from going too over board on your clothes.



PS I’m sure you are very nice and I will think you are interesting and fun when we finally meet. So don’t take this the wrong way but as of right now I would like to be on a beach, 30lbs lighter, laying on my stomach, sipping a cocktail with a sushi chef sitting by my umbrella serving me spicy tuna, able to breath, able to sleep, able to walk without my hips and feet hurting, able to think about something other than holy sh*t batman in a month or less  I have to become a legitimate adult.

PPS – I didn’t mean to swear. Ignore that. And no you can’t use those words until you are 30.


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