Parsingtime

More Annoyed than Amused

Natural Gas

Posted by parsingtime on April 28, 2010

Overall (fingers crossed) my pregnancy has been easy so far. I wasn’t sick, I haven’t been constipated, I don’t have Indian fat face (thanks Amrapali for the phrase), no swollen feet, my wedding rings still fit, I’ve managed to make it through my days in clothes vs sweatpants which I consider a win. Though Husband unpacked the full length mirror this weekend and that was more of a horror than I was expecting. I really hope this doesn’t mean my labor is going to be sucky.

All of this is completely different from enjoying pregnancy in case you were wondering. I hate getting up in the night to pee. I wake up most mornings having forgotten about my 20lb gut and try to get out of bed and remember I have to roll and scoot. My legs are dying (I could write a dissertation about how much my legs hurt). Seriously, the restless leg syndrome is going to kill me sometime over the next ten weeks.  I hate how solicitous people are of me as a pregnant person. My dad and my in-laws ask how my health is every time we talk. If you want to care about my health, care about it all the time and not just when I’m carrying your grandchild (my mom, has no issues with me bringing in groceries or washing dishes, which I appreciate. Her unsolicited decorating advice about the lovely beige shower curtain she has that would look so much better in my bathroom I could do without).

There is one thing I suffered from the first 3 to 4 months of pregnancy that I have not discussed. I feel like in the interest of full disclosure I should.  This is similar to my plan of taking a photo when I go into labor and another when I come home from the hospital. Someone needs to show the world what a non-celebrity looks like post birth.

And so I do this for you, however if you ever see me in person never discuss this post with me. I’m comfortable telling the internet a bunch of things I don’t ever want to discuss in person, this is one of those things. I’m doing this for the benefit of all you people who haven’t been pregnant.

What no one tells you about pregnancy is the gas. Oh sure, they sort of mention it in the book but what they don’t tell you is it is the kind of gas that on its release would kill four people sitting in a car with the windows closed.

From weeks 6 to 9 I was so happy I worked from home because I had the most toxic gas known to man. And it WOULD. NOT. STOP.  I mean it’s the kind of noxious, disgusting, grossness I might expect from a 12-year-old boy after consuming 58 tacos from Taco Bueno (I kind of wanted to use a Tiembo food example here because he is the master of eating weird crap but I have no proof that he ever had gas that could kill a 5-year-old)

The fact that I alone could cause the blimp to fly was just way more than any woman should have to handle.  So when I went in for a check up and they asked if I was having any issues, like vomiting etc I said no but was there anything we could do about the gas?  The answer included some random crap about progesterone and a big fat no.

The gas was amusing for Husband in that usually it is him making horrible smells and not me. He enjoyed having the tables turned until we had a serious discussion about how he could not under any circumstances discuss the gas or intimate that anything noxious had occurred in his vicinity. This is how embarrassing the gas was for me. So embarrassing that the person who has seen me reenacting the vomiting scene from the Exorcist was not allowed to discuss it.

It has fortunately gone away. But just in case I now avoid gas causing foods at all costs. I don’t want to relive any of that ever again.  Let it never be said, that I’m not willing to be honest with you people even at the cost of my personal pride.

Lets never discuss this again.

No, really I’m serious.

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2 Responses to “Natural Gas”

  1. tiembo said

    there certainly have been some close calls, where the emissions would even scare me.

  2. Kelly said

    I never discussed it with anyone, but I do remember that most unpleasant aspect of pregnancy.

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